On Wednesday we were told my husband has cancer. The next day was our wedding anniversary. The day after that, we were told the cancer had spread.
How do you take something like that in? The news was broken by the same doctor who told me Roger had a 50% chance of survival nearly two years ago, when he went from being a seemingly fit and healthy man to having near-fatal blood clots, bowel surgery and an eight-month stay in hospital. The news was just as devastating, maybe even more so.
The difference was that last time he was lying on an operating table when I was told the news, and this time we were given the grim truth together.
My heart broke as we were told it was bowel cancer. How could he have that? He’s been a vegetarian nearly all his life, aren’t we told that’s how you prevent it?
I feel like my world has ended. What can they do? How will we cope? Don’t they know we’ve got two kids at home, jobs to get back to and holidays to plan?
I just feel numb, flat and dazed. I keep thinking I’m going to be sick. I dread going to bed in case I can’t sleep, and have been waking early and sitting downstairs to find some time alone.
It makes me wonder how many other people are walking round taking in such horrific news. Thoughts going through their heads like mine, my worst fears like how will I tell the children? Will they have to grow up without a dad? Interspersed with things like I need to pick up more milk, fill the car with petrol, fix the kitchen floor tiles and rearrange Sam’s swimming lesson.
As for Rog, he’s so weak and tired, he just feels hollowed out and is struggling to take it all in.
There’s no easy way to write this, but there’s no easy way to deal with it all either.
82 Comments
Katie
March 15, 2015 at 2:31 pmJulia, my heart is breaking for you right now. I wish I lived closer and could just come and give a huge hug and a helping hand. I wish I could take away your pain. Sending you all my love and hugs xxx
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Karen
March 15, 2015 at 2:46 pmI have been thinking of you so much over the last 24 hours, and reading this has made me shed more tears. I hate that this is happening to you. I wish that this was all a horrible dream and that everything would all be ok in the morning. I wish I could tell you that everything is going to be ok. Why does life have to be so cruel?
Sending you so much love x x x
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Hayley Smith @hayleyfromhome
March 15, 2015 at 3:01 pmI can’t stop thinking about you Julia, there is nothing I can say, no words to help. I just wish I lived closer and could offer some practical help. Sometimes life just doesn’t seem fair, I keep wishing all this just wasn’t happening to you. Sending so much love xx
Hayley Smith @hayleyfromhome recently posted…A Year In Books – February 2015
Deb Troops
March 15, 2015 at 3:48 pmJules I’m here if you need a shout a cry or just to sit and say nothing. You’re all in my prayers x
Mini Travellers
March 15, 2015 at 4:55 pmI can’t say anything useful I know. My heart goes out to you all with this shit news. Wishing you lots of love and if I can do anything practical at all, please do shout! xxx
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Katy {What Katy Said}
March 15, 2015 at 4:57 pmJust absolutely heartbreaking Julia. There are no words. x
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You Baby Me Mummy
March 15, 2015 at 4:59 pmThere are no words to help you or that will make you feel better. You are in our thoughts all the time, all our love xxxx
Megan - tmk
March 15, 2015 at 5:01 pmI am so devestated for all of you. I know I’m a virtual friend, but I hope I can be of support to you and help you through such dark times
I’m giving you all my positive thoughts, love and strengths.
Much love xxxxxx
Megan – tmk recently posted…ORDINARY MOMENTS EXPLORING WOODLAND – IMAGE OF THE WEEK #8
Rainbeaubelle
March 15, 2015 at 7:29 pmThanks Megan xxx
sarah christie
March 15, 2015 at 5:08 pmJulia, I can’t stop thinking about you all my heart goes out to you all, there really are no words, but if there is anything you need please ask. You will all be in my thoughts xxx
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Rainbeaubelle
March 15, 2015 at 7:29 pmThanks so much xxx
Lisa@intotheglade
March 15, 2015 at 5:30 pmSo so sorry to hear this! There is nothing useful I can say, you are in my thoughts xxxx
Lisa@intotheglade recently posted…Sunday Photograph! Thurstaston, Wirral
Rainbeaubelle
March 15, 2015 at 7:28 pmThank you xxx
Vicki
March 15, 2015 at 7:16 pmJulia, my heart breaks for you & your family. I am so sorry. I am sending you all as much positive energy, thoughts & well wishes as it takes. xxxxx
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Rainbeaubelle
March 15, 2015 at 7:29 pmThanks Vicki xxx
Mints
March 15, 2015 at 7:54 pmHi sweetheart … I wanted to leave you a message to send you all my love. Just when I’d got used to seeing his dear face in work again. All our love, best and healty wishes to dear Rog and all our love to you. Mints and Si xxx
rachel
March 15, 2015 at 8:05 pmOh Julia I am truly sorry to hear this. I don’t know what to say. My thoughts are with you and your family xx
rachel recently posted…I went to the doctors today
Everything mummy
March 15, 2015 at 8:10 pmI can’t stop thinking about you Hun I’m so so sorry you’ve received this devestating news xxx
Everything mummy recently posted…Valintines Gift Guide
Katie
March 15, 2015 at 9:10 pmI have read, and re-read, and read this again. It’s beautiful writing….I just really hate that this is not just a story you wrote about someone else. Love you both to the moon and back. xx
Rainbeaubelle
March 16, 2015 at 6:01 amI know, if only it wasn’t true! Love you xxxx
Toni @ Gym Bunny Mummy
March 15, 2015 at 9:42 pmi have no words, I just couldn’t read this post without saying something, I can’t imagine what you must be going through xxxx
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Rainbeaubelle
March 16, 2015 at 6:01 amThank you xx
Jade
March 15, 2015 at 10:24 pmSo sorry to hear Julia. I can not begin to imagine the emotions you are feeling right now. I’m thinking of you all xx
Jade recently posted…Project 365 – Week 10
Rainbeaubelle
March 16, 2015 at 6:00 amThank you xxx
Jenna
March 15, 2015 at 10:39 pmI am useless with words when it comes to these situations, Julia.
But I want you to know I’m thinking of you and your family a lot.
Sending love,
Jenna xx
Jenna recently posted…HappyDays #20
Rainbeaubelle
March 16, 2015 at 6:00 amThanks Jenna xxx
Mackenzie Glanville
March 16, 2015 at 2:08 amMy Father in Law has had bowel cancer and now prostrate cancer, we were told he had a couple of years so we got pregnant so he would see a grandchild, my daughter is now almost 11, so that is 12 years and he is still going. He credits a lot of it to meditation and positive thinking. Mindfulness has been a big help. The doctors are baffled how he is still here. A combination of diet changes, attitude and medical care. I hope this helps. It is such devastating news, I will pray for you all. I also work as a Life Guide if you need support I can help you, no charge of course. Take care of yourself, much love and big hugs, Mackenzie xx
Mackenzie Glanville recently posted…Sisterhood of the World Bloggers Award
Rainbeaubelle
March 16, 2015 at 6:00 amHi Mackenzie, that is really interesting and thank you so much for sharing something so positive xx
Fiveadventurers
March 16, 2015 at 11:57 amAwww Julia
I am so sorry to hear this and my heart goes out to you all. Sending you lots of hugs, prayers and love from us all here. Xxx
Rainbeaubelle
March 16, 2015 at 9:04 pmThank you xx
Seychellesmama
March 16, 2015 at 1:29 pmJulia I am so sorry to be reading this. I don’t know how I could possibly begin to help or comfort you in anyway but if you ever want to chat, vent, or anything really I am very available!!
Lots of love to you all
Xx
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Rainbeaubelle
March 16, 2015 at 9:03 pmThank you xx
caroline
March 16, 2015 at 1:38 pmOh Julia, I’m so sorry to read this. There are no words to make anything feel better right now but I’m thinking of you x
caroline recently posted…Getting Fit the Mummy Way
Rainbeaubelle
March 16, 2015 at 9:04 pmThank you xx
Lisa (mummascribbles)
March 16, 2015 at 3:13 pmI’m so so sorry you’ve had this devastating news darling. I don’t have any other words except that you are all in my thoughts. Sending lots of love to you all xxxxx
Lisa (mummascribbles) recently posted…Mummascribbles meets…Life With Baby Kicks
Rainbeaubelle
March 16, 2015 at 9:04 pmThank you xx
Jenny
March 16, 2015 at 3:13 pmI’m so sorry, I don’t knpw what to say. But just wanted to write something to you. Hugs. xxxx
Jenny recently posted…Vegetables Galore?
Rainbeaubelle
March 16, 2015 at 9:04 pmThank you xx
Kim Carberry
March 16, 2015 at 3:23 pmHeartbreaking!! I am so sorry you have had this news! Sending lots of love and thoughts x
Rainbeaubelle
March 16, 2015 at 9:04 pmThank you xx
Notmyyearoff
March 16, 2015 at 4:24 pmI’m so so sorry your family is going through this and hope there is something they can do do for him to cure it all, if that’s possible. Thinking of you all xx
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Rainbeaubelle
March 16, 2015 at 9:04 pmThank you xx
Beth Twinderelmo
March 16, 2015 at 5:17 pmMy parents had to deliver this news to me last July and as a child it was incredibly hard but through it all we stood shoulder to shoulder. Cancer is an evil word & a truely awful disease. I wish I could send and do more than words but whatever you need to type or say – we are all here xxxxxxxxxx
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Rainbeaubelle
March 16, 2015 at 9:04 pmThanks so much, that is a real help and I’m so sorry you have been through a similar experience xxx
Sarah Howe
March 16, 2015 at 8:15 pmI am so unbelievably sorry to hear this. I cannot imagine what you must be feeling. Stay strong. You are in my thoughts xxx
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Rainbeaubelle
March 16, 2015 at 9:03 pmThank you xx
Marc
March 16, 2015 at 11:36 pmI wish I had a magic wand to make your nightmare go away.
Thinking of you all, all the time
Marc xxx
Rainbeaubelle
March 17, 2015 at 10:03 pmThank you xx
Fionnuala
March 17, 2015 at 7:57 amI don’t know you or your family, but your story touched me. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
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Rainbeaubelle
March 17, 2015 at 10:03 pmThank you xx
mummyofboygirltwins
March 17, 2015 at 9:03 amJust so sad for you both. What an awful, awful time – you both deserve so much more. Really hurting for you right now. Anything I can do just call. Really hope for you xxxxx
mummyofboygirltwins recently posted…How to get toddlers to stay in bed longer in the morning
Kimmy
March 17, 2015 at 12:39 pmSo incredibly sorry to hear that news Julia. Can’t imagine how you must be feeling & being able to keep so strong for the children. Thinking of you. Xx
Rainbeaubelle
March 19, 2015 at 8:14 pmThank you xxx
Mrs H
March 17, 2015 at 3:06 pmDearest Julia. My heart breaks everytime I think of you. I can’t imagine the pain you must be going through or how you must be feel. It seems so unfair. I wish I could take this all away for you. I hope you know that I am here for you and I will do whatever I can to help. Hugs Lucy xxxx
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Rainbeaubelle
March 19, 2015 at 8:13 pmThanks Lucy xx
Rosemary
March 17, 2015 at 3:23 pmDear Julia, I hope I am not intruding but I have been through some terrible terrible times and like you I had to be the ‘strong one’. I found counselling sessions helped me to cope mainly because I could unburden and ‘grumble’ to someone who didn’t care about me (as family and friends do). Initially the counselling sessions were through my employer and then when I needed help again after I had retired my GP arranged the sessions on the NHS at the surgery. With my very best wishes, Rosemary
Rainbeaubelle
March 19, 2015 at 8:13 pmThank you that’s something to bear in mind definitely xx
Charlotte @ Educating Elsa
March 18, 2015 at 4:23 pmOh how awful for you and your family. I hope that you have all the love and support you need at this very difficult time. xxx
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Rainbeaubelle
March 19, 2015 at 8:13 pmThank you xx
Claire Farmer
March 21, 2015 at 12:31 pmI’m so sorry that you’ve recieved such horrendous news, sending you good thoughts and healthy vibes x
Claire Farmer recently posted…Crazily easy vegetarian quesadillas recipe
Rainbeaubelle
March 21, 2015 at 10:19 pmThank you xxx
Katie Heels and Hooves
March 23, 2015 at 1:00 pmJulia, this is heartbreaking news for you. I’m so so sorry to read this and my heart goes out to you and your family. I can’t imagine what you are going through. Stay strong and best wishes xxx
Katie Heels and Hooves recently posted…20 weeks: Bumpdate
Rainbeaubelle
March 26, 2015 at 6:06 amThank you xx
Cancer, kindness and cake - Rainbeaubelle
March 23, 2015 at 1:16 pm[…] week of my life. We’ve been trying to come to terms with the news that my husband has been diagnosed with bowel cancer, and the very strong possibility that it has spread to his lungs. After months of waiting in […]
Elizabeth (Wander Mum)
March 26, 2015 at 11:08 pmOh Julia, my heart goes out to you. I really identify with some of what you are going through. It’s so hard. Try to stay positive. Accept help from friends and family and let them do all those little jobs that seem so overwhelming. Please, please get in touch if you want to talk. Thinking of you all xxx
Rainbeaubelle
March 27, 2015 at 10:11 pmThank you so much xx
Not A Frumpy Mum
March 27, 2015 at 6:46 amI’m so sorry to read this, it is heartbreaking. There are no words right now but I’m thinking of you and your family xxx
Not A Frumpy Mum recently posted…Afternoon Tea, New Shoes & Easter Bonnets #LittleLoves
Rainbeaubelle
March 27, 2015 at 10:11 pmThank you xx
Vickie
March 28, 2015 at 4:30 pmOh I am so very sorry to hear your news; I can’t even begin to imagine what you are all going through. You and your family are in my thoughts. Vx
Rainbeaubelle
March 29, 2015 at 9:51 amThank you xx
Rachel
March 28, 2015 at 10:12 pmOh my goodness I’m so sorry to hear this. what a terribly tough time for you both. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I do wish there was something more I could do. Sending you lots of love and kindness your way. Xx
Rachel recently posted…Cooled cake with coconut oil contains less calories
Adventures of a Novice Mum
April 20, 2015 at 7:04 pmI’ve been meaning to drop by for a while now … ohhhh, my heart breaks reading your post. One can’t imagine really the shoes you’re wearing at the moment. I’m hoping with you, with so many others that there is a way out, that there is hope … something to hold on to … some comfort of a kind during this time. So sorry.
Cath
May 13, 2015 at 9:10 pmHiya Julia I have just read the story in the Liverpool Echo my heart goes out to you Roger and the kiddies….my thoughts and Prayers are with you all Love Cath xxx
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