Family,Loss

Finally, a diagnosis…

On Wednesday we were told my husband has cancer. The next day was our wedding anniversary. The day after that, we were told the cancer had spread. 

How do you take something like that in? The news was broken by the same doctor who told me Roger had a 50% chance of survival nearly two years ago, when he went from being a seemingly fit and healthy man to having near-fatal blood clots, bowel surgery and an eight-month stay in hospital. The news was just as devastating, maybe even more so. 

The difference was that last time he was lying on an operating table when I was told the news, and this time we were given the grim truth together. 

My heart broke as we were told it was bowel cancer. How could he have that? He’s been a vegetarian nearly all his life, aren’t we told that’s how you prevent it?

I feel like my world has ended. What can they do? How will we cope? Don’t they know we’ve got two kids at home, jobs to get back to and holidays to plan?

I just feel numb, flat and dazed. I keep thinking I’m going to be sick. I dread going to bed in case I can’t sleep, and have been waking early and sitting downstairs to find some time alone.

It makes me wonder how many other people are walking round taking in such horrific news. Thoughts going through their heads like mine, my worst fears like how will I tell the children? Will they have to grow up without a dad? Interspersed with things like I need to pick up more milk, fill the car with petrol, fix the kitchen floor tiles and rearrange Sam’s swimming lesson. 

As for Rog, he’s so weak and tired, he just feels hollowed out and is struggling to take it all in. 

There’s no easy way to write this, but there’s no easy way to deal with it all either. 

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82 Comments

  • Reply
    Katie
    March 15, 2015 at 2:31 pm

    Julia, my heart is breaking for you right now. I wish I lived closer and could just come and give a huge hug and a helping hand. I wish I could take away your pain. Sending you all my love and hugs xxx
    Katie recently posted…My Sunday Photo ~ The Stolen ChocolateMy Profile

  • Reply
    Karen
    March 15, 2015 at 2:46 pm

    I have been thinking of you so much over the last 24 hours, and reading this has made me shed more tears. I hate that this is happening to you. I wish that this was all a horrible dream and that everything would all be ok in the morning. I wish I could tell you that everything is going to be ok. Why does life have to be so cruel?
    Sending you so much love x x x
    Karen recently posted…Indoor and outdoor fun at SlimbridgeMy Profile

  • Reply
    Hayley Smith @hayleyfromhome
    March 15, 2015 at 3:01 pm

    I can’t stop thinking about you Julia, there is nothing I can say, no words to help. I just wish I lived closer and could offer some practical help. Sometimes life just doesn’t seem fair, I keep wishing all this just wasn’t happening to you. Sending so much love xx
    Hayley Smith @hayleyfromhome recently posted…A Year In Books – February 2015My Profile

  • Reply
    Deb Troops
    March 15, 2015 at 3:48 pm

    Jules I’m here if you need a shout a cry or just to sit and say nothing. You’re all in my prayers x

  • Reply
    Mini Travellers
    March 15, 2015 at 4:55 pm

    I can’t say anything useful I know. My heart goes out to you all with this shit news. Wishing you lots of love and if I can do anything practical at all, please do shout! xxx
    Mini Travellers recently posted…Your Family HolidaysMy Profile

  • Reply
    Katy {What Katy Said}
    March 15, 2015 at 4:57 pm

    Just absolutely heartbreaking Julia. There are no words. x
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  • Reply
    You Baby Me Mummy
    March 15, 2015 at 4:59 pm

    There are no words to help you or that will make you feel better. You are in our thoughts all the time, all our love xxxx

  • Reply
    Megan - tmk
    March 15, 2015 at 5:01 pm

    I am so devestated for all of you. I know I’m a virtual friend, but I hope I can be of support to you and help you through such dark times

    I’m giving you all my positive thoughts, love and strengths.

    Much love xxxxxx
    Megan – tmk recently posted…ORDINARY MOMENTS EXPLORING WOODLAND – IMAGE OF THE WEEK #8My Profile

    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      March 15, 2015 at 7:29 pm

      Thanks Megan xxx

  • Reply
    sarah christie
    March 15, 2015 at 5:08 pm

    Julia, I can’t stop thinking about you all my heart goes out to you all, there really are no words, but if there is anything you need please ask. You will all be in my thoughts xxx
    sarah christie recently posted…Whats Important to Me on Mothers DayMy Profile

    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      March 15, 2015 at 7:29 pm

      Thanks so much xxx

  • Reply
    Lisa@intotheglade
    March 15, 2015 at 5:30 pm

    So so sorry to hear this! There is nothing useful I can say, you are in my thoughts xxxx
    Lisa@intotheglade recently posted…Sunday Photograph! Thurstaston, WirralMy Profile

    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      March 15, 2015 at 7:28 pm

      Thank you xxx

  • Reply
    Vicki
    March 15, 2015 at 7:16 pm

    Julia, my heart breaks for you & your family. I am so sorry. I am sending you all as much positive energy, thoughts & well wishes as it takes. xxxxx
    Vicki recently posted…5 From Benefit CosmeticsMy Profile

    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      March 15, 2015 at 7:29 pm

      Thanks Vicki xxx

  • Reply
    Mints
    March 15, 2015 at 7:54 pm

    Hi sweetheart … I wanted to leave you a message to send you all my love. Just when I’d got used to seeing his dear face in work again. All our love, best and healty wishes to dear Rog and all our love to you. Mints and Si xxx

  • Reply
    rachel
    March 15, 2015 at 8:05 pm

    Oh Julia I am truly sorry to hear this. I don’t know what to say. My thoughts are with you and your family xx
    rachel recently posted…I went to the doctors todayMy Profile

  • Reply
    Everything mummy
    March 15, 2015 at 8:10 pm

    I can’t stop thinking about you Hun I’m so so sorry you’ve received this devestating news xxx
    Everything mummy recently posted…Valintines Gift GuideMy Profile

  • Reply
    Katie
    March 15, 2015 at 9:10 pm

    I have read, and re-read, and read this again. It’s beautiful writing….I just really hate that this is not just a story you wrote about someone else. Love you both to the moon and back. xx

    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      March 16, 2015 at 6:01 am

      I know, if only it wasn’t true! Love you xxxx

  • Reply
    Toni @ Gym Bunny Mummy
    March 15, 2015 at 9:42 pm

    i have no words, I just couldn’t read this post without saying something, I can’t imagine what you must be going through xxxx
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    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      March 16, 2015 at 6:01 am

      Thank you xx

  • Reply
    Jade
    March 15, 2015 at 10:24 pm

    So sorry to hear Julia. I can not begin to imagine the emotions you are feeling right now. I’m thinking of you all xx
    Jade recently posted…Project 365 – Week 10My Profile

    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      March 16, 2015 at 6:00 am

      Thank you xxx

  • Reply
    Jenna
    March 15, 2015 at 10:39 pm

    I am useless with words when it comes to these situations, Julia.

    But I want you to know I’m thinking of you and your family a lot.

    Sending love,

    Jenna xx
    Jenna recently posted…HappyDays #20My Profile

    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      March 16, 2015 at 6:00 am

      Thanks Jenna xxx

  • Reply
    Mackenzie Glanville
    March 16, 2015 at 2:08 am

    My Father in Law has had bowel cancer and now prostrate cancer, we were told he had a couple of years so we got pregnant so he would see a grandchild, my daughter is now almost 11, so that is 12 years and he is still going. He credits a lot of it to meditation and positive thinking. Mindfulness has been a big help. The doctors are baffled how he is still here. A combination of diet changes, attitude and medical care. I hope this helps. It is such devastating news, I will pray for you all. I also work as a Life Guide if you need support I can help you, no charge of course. Take care of yourself, much love and big hugs, Mackenzie xx
    Mackenzie Glanville recently posted…Sisterhood of the World Bloggers AwardMy Profile

    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      March 16, 2015 at 6:00 am

      Hi Mackenzie, that is really interesting and thank you so much for sharing something so positive xx

  • Reply
    Fiveadventurers
    March 16, 2015 at 11:57 am

    Awww Julia

    I am so sorry to hear this and my heart goes out to you all. Sending you lots of hugs, prayers and love from us all here. Xxx

    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      March 16, 2015 at 9:04 pm

      Thank you xx

  • Reply
    Seychellesmama
    March 16, 2015 at 1:29 pm

    Julia I am so sorry to be reading this. I don’t know how I could possibly begin to help or comfort you in anyway but if you ever want to chat, vent, or anything really I am very available!!
    Lots of love to you all
    Xx
    Seychellesmama recently posted…17 weeks pregnantMy Profile

    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      March 16, 2015 at 9:03 pm

      Thank you xx

  • Reply
    caroline
    March 16, 2015 at 1:38 pm

    Oh Julia, I’m so sorry to read this. There are no words to make anything feel better right now but I’m thinking of you x
    caroline recently posted…Getting Fit the Mummy WayMy Profile

    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      March 16, 2015 at 9:04 pm

      Thank you xx

  • Reply
    Lisa (mummascribbles)
    March 16, 2015 at 3:13 pm

    I’m so so sorry you’ve had this devastating news darling. I don’t have any other words except that you are all in my thoughts. Sending lots of love to you all xxxxx
    Lisa (mummascribbles) recently posted…Mummascribbles meets…Life With Baby KicksMy Profile

    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      March 16, 2015 at 9:04 pm

      Thank you xx

  • Reply
    Jenny
    March 16, 2015 at 3:13 pm

    I’m so sorry, I don’t knpw what to say. But just wanted to write something to you. Hugs. xxxx
    Jenny recently posted…Vegetables Galore?My Profile

    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      March 16, 2015 at 9:04 pm

      Thank you xx

  • Reply
    Kim Carberry
    March 16, 2015 at 3:23 pm

    Heartbreaking!! I am so sorry you have had this news! Sending lots of love and thoughts x

    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      March 16, 2015 at 9:04 pm

      Thank you xx

  • Reply
    Notmyyearoff
    March 16, 2015 at 4:24 pm

    I’m so so sorry your family is going through this and hope there is something they can do do for him to cure it all, if that’s possible. Thinking of you all xx
    Notmyyearoff recently posted…Silent Sunday & Project 52 – Week 11My Profile

    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      March 16, 2015 at 9:04 pm

      Thank you xx

  • Reply
    Beth Twinderelmo
    March 16, 2015 at 5:17 pm

    My parents had to deliver this news to me last July and as a child it was incredibly hard but through it all we stood shoulder to shoulder. Cancer is an evil word & a truely awful disease. I wish I could send and do more than words but whatever you need to type or say – we are all here xxxxxxxxxx
    Beth Twinderelmo recently posted…[Review] Britax King II ATS Car SeatMy Profile

    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      March 16, 2015 at 9:04 pm

      Thanks so much, that is a real help and I’m so sorry you have been through a similar experience xxx

  • Reply
    Sarah Howe
    March 16, 2015 at 8:15 pm

    I am so unbelievably sorry to hear this. I cannot imagine what you must be feeling. Stay strong. You are in my thoughts xxx
    Sarah Howe recently posted…Growing Too Quickly – ScrapbookingMy Profile

    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      March 16, 2015 at 9:03 pm

      Thank you xx

  • Reply
    Marc
    March 16, 2015 at 11:36 pm

    I wish I had a magic wand to make your nightmare go away.
    Thinking of you all, all the time

    Marc xxx

    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      March 17, 2015 at 10:03 pm

      Thank you xx

  • Reply
    Fionnuala
    March 17, 2015 at 7:57 am

    I don’t know you or your family, but your story touched me. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
    Fionnuala recently posted…Ireland’s Best-Loved Poem & A Lesson in Creating ClosenessMy Profile

    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      March 17, 2015 at 10:03 pm

      Thank you xx

  • Reply
    mummyofboygirltwins
    March 17, 2015 at 9:03 am

    Just so sad for you both. What an awful, awful time – you both deserve so much more. Really hurting for you right now. Anything I can do just call. Really hope for you xxxxx
    mummyofboygirltwins recently posted…How to get toddlers to stay in bed longer in the morningMy Profile

  • Reply
    Kimmy
    March 17, 2015 at 12:39 pm

    So incredibly sorry to hear that news Julia. Can’t imagine how you must be feeling & being able to keep so strong for the children. Thinking of you. Xx

    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      March 19, 2015 at 8:14 pm

      Thank you xxx

  • Reply
    Mrs H
    March 17, 2015 at 3:06 pm

    Dearest Julia. My heart breaks everytime I think of you. I can’t imagine the pain you must be going through or how you must be feel. It seems so unfair. I wish I could take this all away for you. I hope you know that I am here for you and I will do whatever I can to help. Hugs Lucy xxxx
    Mrs H recently posted…My Sunday photo – daffodilsMy Profile

    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      March 19, 2015 at 8:13 pm

      Thanks Lucy xx

  • Reply
    Rosemary
    March 17, 2015 at 3:23 pm

    Dear Julia, I hope I am not intruding but I have been through some terrible terrible times and like you I had to be the ‘strong one’. I found counselling sessions helped me to cope mainly because I could unburden and ‘grumble’ to someone who didn’t care about me (as family and friends do). Initially the counselling sessions were through my employer and then when I needed help again after I had retired my GP arranged the sessions on the NHS at the surgery. With my very best wishes, Rosemary

    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      March 19, 2015 at 8:13 pm

      Thank you that’s something to bear in mind definitely xx

  • Reply
    Charlotte @ Educating Elsa
    March 18, 2015 at 4:23 pm

    Oh how awful for you and your family. I hope that you have all the love and support you need at this very difficult time. xxx
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    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      March 19, 2015 at 8:13 pm

      Thank you xx

  • Reply
    Claire Farmer
    March 21, 2015 at 12:31 pm

    I’m so sorry that you’ve recieved such horrendous news, sending you good thoughts and healthy vibes x
    Claire Farmer recently posted…Crazily easy vegetarian quesadillas recipeMy Profile

    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      March 21, 2015 at 10:19 pm

      Thank you xxx

  • Reply
    Katie Heels and Hooves
    March 23, 2015 at 1:00 pm

    Julia, this is heartbreaking news for you. I’m so so sorry to read this and my heart goes out to you and your family. I can’t imagine what you are going through. Stay strong and best wishes xxx
    Katie Heels and Hooves recently posted…20 weeks: BumpdateMy Profile

    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      March 26, 2015 at 6:06 am

      Thank you xx

  • Reply
    Cancer, kindness and cake - Rainbeaubelle
    March 23, 2015 at 1:16 pm

    […] week of my life. We’ve been trying to come to terms with the news that my husband has been diagnosed with bowel cancer, and the very strong possibility that it has spread to his lungs. After months of waiting in […]

  • Reply
    Elizabeth (Wander Mum)
    March 26, 2015 at 11:08 pm

    Oh Julia, my heart goes out to you. I really identify with some of what you are going through. It’s so hard. Try to stay positive. Accept help from friends and family and let them do all those little jobs that seem so overwhelming. Please, please get in touch if you want to talk. Thinking of you all xxx

    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      March 27, 2015 at 10:11 pm

      Thank you so much xx

  • Reply
    Not A Frumpy Mum
    March 27, 2015 at 6:46 am

    I’m so sorry to read this, it is heartbreaking. There are no words right now but I’m thinking of you and your family xxx
    Not A Frumpy Mum recently posted…Afternoon Tea, New Shoes & Easter Bonnets #LittleLovesMy Profile

    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      March 27, 2015 at 10:11 pm

      Thank you xx

  • Reply
    Vickie
    March 28, 2015 at 4:30 pm

    Oh I am so very sorry to hear your news; I can’t even begin to imagine what you are all going through. You and your family are in my thoughts. Vx

    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      March 29, 2015 at 9:51 am

      Thank you xx

  • Reply
    Rachel
    March 28, 2015 at 10:12 pm

    Oh my goodness I’m so sorry to hear this. what a terribly tough time for you both. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I do wish there was something more I could do. Sending you lots of love and kindness your way. Xx
    Rachel recently posted…Cooled cake with coconut oil contains less caloriesMy Profile

  • Reply
    Adventures of a Novice Mum
    April 20, 2015 at 7:04 pm

    I’ve been meaning to drop by for a while now … ohhhh, my heart breaks reading your post. One can’t imagine really the shoes you’re wearing at the moment. I’m hoping with you, with so many others that there is a way out, that there is hope … something to hold on to … some comfort of a kind during this time. So sorry.

  • Reply
    Cath
    May 13, 2015 at 9:10 pm

    Hiya Julia I have just read the story in the Liverpool Echo my heart goes out to you Roger and the kiddies….my thoughts and Prayers are with you all Love Cath xxx

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