Tired, stressed and planting seeds


Where last weekend I was elated at having Roger at home for some quality family time, this weekend I am tired, teary and tightly wound. I’m sleep deprived and struggling to find any positivity in our situation. On Tuesday, I took my husband back to the hospice after our mini break at home. He was feeling good – his pain had eased, he could move more than he expected, and was positive about how good the good days might actually be. But cancer is unpredictable, and the next day he woke up feeling groggy, sore and sick, and it looked like another infection had started to develop. So we’ve had a rough week, feeling the ups and the downs acutely and it’s taking its toll on us both. Thanks to our daughter, I’ve had to get up in the night several times and had many very early mornings. Thanks to our son, I’ve had lots of added stress at home as we’ve been falling out and I’m struggling to cope with his sometimes challenging behaviour. 

I promised myself I wouldn’t write a moaning ‘I’m so knackered I could cry’ kind of post, but I’m struggling to find my brave face this week, instead looking in the mirror and seeing a tired version of me. There are extra wrinkles round my eyes which once I would have blamed on too many late nights and laughter, now I know it’s from too much worry and crying.

People keeping asking me, how are you coping? Are you making time for you? Well I’m not sure if I’m coping, but if I am it isn’t through choice, just necessity. Time for me is so scarce, but mainly because every minute I’m not looking after the kids I want to spend with Rog. Once I’ve put the children to bed, it’s usually going on for 8.30 and all I want to do is sit in silence for an hour before collapsing into bed. 

I read a post last night on Leigh’s excellent blog Headspace Perspective. In it, she said when you’re grieving your body uses up 70% of its energy on just getting through the day, rather than the usual 30%, leaving little space for managing everyday tasks. Thinking about this has made lots of sense to me but it doesn’t go very far making things better. I do, however, accept I need more rest if I going to get through this and yesterday managed to squeeze in a bit of a power nap during a visit to see Rog at the hospice! Time well spent for both of us I’d say. 

At home, I’ve been pottering a bit with the kids and as I wrote in my last post, we have been watching our caterpillars as they grow. We’ve also spent some time in the garden, digging out the old plants and weeds and sewing seeds. There’s something therapeutic about gardening, don’t you think, maybe it’s the focus being on the new shoots coming through. Anyway, we planted some wild flower seed bombs, which were a gift from my lovely blogger friend and mum of three boys Hayley, who writes Hayley From Home. The tiny balls of clay have seeds inside, and you just sprinkle them on to the soil and wait for nature to do the rest! The ultimate kind of gardening if you ask me…

X Julia



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  • Reply
    May 11, 2015 at 9:37 am

    Bless you all. XX

  • Reply
    Leigh - Headspace Perspective
    May 11, 2015 at 11:47 am

    Hey lovely. I’m glad you had a lovely family weekend at home with Roger and the children. I’m sorry it’s a rough week. I don’t think anyone would blame you for writing an ‘I’m so knackered’ post, but I understand what you mean – you cope because you have to. I’m glad that percentage was useful to you. It was a penny drop moment for me – as you say, it doesn’t change anything and nor does it make it better, but it helped me be a bit kinder to myself and recognise when I need to rest, rather than keep fighting it like I had been doing. I’m glad you found time for a power nap – your body will thank you over the long run. Sending lots of love and strength to you xxxxx
    Leigh – Headspace Perspective recently posted…Sunday Thought May 10, 2015 – Mother’s Day (internationally)My Profile

  • Reply
    Hayley Smith @hayleyfromhome
    May 11, 2015 at 7:39 pm

    I’m so glad that you had a good weekend with Rog home but such a shame he is fighting an infection again. This is such an exhausting time for you, you can’t expect to be able to cope all the time and I think under the circumstances you are just amazing. I hope this week goes a little better, that Flo starts sleeping and Sam calms down. I really hope those flowers come up too! Thank you so much for the mention lovely xxx
    Hayley Smith @hayleyfromhome recently posted…Living Arrows {19/52}My Profile

  • Reply
    May 11, 2015 at 7:52 pm

    I bet it feels like this, and I feel so sad for you. It must be so hard. I am glad Hayley’s gift cheered you up and that the children enjoyed it. Love Jess xx
    mummyofboygirltwins recently posted…From one Princess Charlotte to anotherMy Profile

  • Reply
    May 11, 2015 at 8:16 pm

    I’m do glad you found time for a power nap. The situation you’re in is so difficult of course you are going to feel exhausted, emotional and stressed. If writing about it in any way helps then do it and don’t worry that you need to ‘put a brave face’ on your blog. I hope you get the rest you need over the next few days. Thinking of you.
    Rachel recently posted… Approach to exercise: 8 lessons from a determined toddlerMy Profile

  • Reply
    Beth Twinderelmo
    May 11, 2015 at 8:29 pm

    My 6 year old too has become difficult. I’m hoping it’s an age thing but it is so hard going let alone what you are. Keep plodding and I do hope there is more sunshine than rain this week xxxxx
    Beth Twinderelmo recently posted…[Giveaway] Herbie Hound BookMy Profile

  • Reply
    sarah christie
    May 11, 2015 at 9:16 pm

    I am so glad you all had a lovely weekend and sorry it took so much out of Roger, I bet its so hard getting through he day some days but Julia you are doing so amazingly lovely lady even if you don’t feel like you are xx
    sarah christie recently posted…What Are Linkies? A Guide For New BloggersMy Profile

  • Reply
    Mackenzie Glanville
    May 12, 2015 at 7:01 am

    After such a positive last weekend it is any wonder you are flat this week, having to take hubby back to hospice and especially when he has had a rough week. You may not feel like the amazing women we all think you are, but know we are all behind you always. So beautiful to see the children in the garden xx
    Mackenzie Glanville recently posted…Mummy & Us . . . about BullyingMy Profile

    • Reply
      May 13, 2015 at 8:25 pm

      Thanks Mackenzie xxx

  • Reply
    May 12, 2015 at 9:19 pm

    I’m glad you all got into the garden. And, I wish there was something else I could say. I’m thinking of you all so much xxx

    • Reply
      May 13, 2015 at 8:24 pm

      Thanks Kiran, I know it’s hard to know what to say but thanks for saying something! X julia

  • Reply
    May 13, 2015 at 7:46 pm

    Hi Julia..I’m praying for you and your family especially Roger. It’s never easy and it’s ok to break down every now and again. But look at the bright side, you still have time to spend together and your beautiful kids. I feel sad for what you are going through. Sending some love and energy your way from sunny Dubai xx

  • Reply
    Jackie Sharp
    May 13, 2015 at 8:19 pm

    Hi. I’ve just read an article about your page in an on-line newspaper. It made me so sad to learn of your situation this truely awful disease creates. I am in the opposite situation to you – I’m the one with cancer and my husband will be the one left. I worry so much about him and my son – he is being all man-like and carrying on regardless, but I know we all cope in different ways. I wish you many, many more happy weekends and hope your lovely husband has many, many more good days to come. Xx

    • Reply
      May 13, 2015 at 8:22 pm

      Hi Jackie, I am so sorry to hear about your situation and your diagnosis, it must be devastating for you. Thank you for getting in touch, I hope maybe this helps your husband to read about us too. Sending lots of love to you and your family xx

  • Reply
    Louise Cliff
    May 14, 2015 at 7:44 pm

    Hi Julia,
    I just had to say you are such a brave lady,i hope you dont mind me saying so..I have a best friend who is going through the same sort of situation as you find yourself in,and at times im at a loss for what to say,i want to say the right thing,if that makes sense..Thinking of you and your lovely family,

    • Reply
      May 14, 2015 at 8:19 pm

      Thank you so much. It is hard to know what to say, there isn’t really anything but I’d say just be there to listen to your friend, give her space and deliver plenty of food and wine! X

  • Reply
    Caro | The Twinkles Mama
    May 19, 2015 at 3:36 pm

    Oh love. I so wish I lived closer to you. I know I keep saying it but I’d at least be able to do something practical to help. I’m so far away and feel that words are just a bit useless at a time like this. Sending lots of love and positive thoughts for a better week xxx

    Caro |
    Caro | The Twinkles Mama recently posted…113 weeks and 6 days | Death and taxes plus tiny miraclesMy Profile

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