Family

Yes Mum – a High-Five for Mamas

Yes Mum cards and a high five to mamas

Yes Mum cards and a high five to mamas

I feel like a terrible mother. I know as I type this you will read it and say no you’re not, you’re doing great.

You are ace, don’t worry, keep it up lady! You will say what part of me is telling myself too – that it’s ok not to be perfect, to have bad days, to lose your temper and to cry in front of the kids – but it’s bothering me and I can’t shake it off.

Before Roger died, I worried about how I would look after our children (who are six and two) when they were upset and I was too. In fact, it’s more a case of how do I manage to look after myself when they are not visibly upset, but acting out and testing the tired and irritable me.

Some if not most days, the normal things that kids do manage to wind me up so much that I can’t seem to deal with it in a rational way, and end up shouting at them way more than I should. I’m taking it out on them, I know, but it’s like until I can give myself space to feel better, I can’t react to them in a rational, decent mum kind of way.

It’s not all bad news – we have had plenty of lovely moments when the three of us are cuddled up on the sofa, having a group hug, watching a film together or playing a game. But there are definitely the harder times when I feel I can’t cope, and I look ahead and wonder how I will cope with these two little beings, these parts of us, on my own.

My straight-talking friend Zara reminded me yesterday, just after Florence threw herself on the floor in a magnificently crowd-drawing tantrum, that this is the worst it will ever get and to give myself a pat on the back for just getting through each day. The basic thrust of her advice was, if you get to the end of the day and they are still alive, then you have done a good enough job!

Like the angel on my shoulder, she reminded me it is the end of the school holidays – a time when most parents are at their wits’ end anyway – and not to judge the rest of my life on this week. Turns out that is probably sterling advice.

I’ve had another reminder that things might not be quite so bad this week in the form of a set of life-affirming cards from Yes Mum, aka hypnobirthing guru Hollie De Cruz.

The cards are meant to be put in a place where you can see them daily, as a little nudge to say we mamas are all doing a great job. Each with its own phrase, my favourites include ‘Today I shall slow down and try not to rush’, ‘I do not judge or criticise myself’ and ‘Feeling upset doesn’t mean I’m getting it wrong’.

The mantra I need tattooing on my brain is this one: ‘Everything is going to be okay’.

I certainly hope that’s right.

The cards were developed by Hollie as a way of encouraging a positive thought process, which in turn affects the way we live our lives. As she says, ‘a change in emotional state directly affects the way you experience the world around you. The more you tell yourself something, the more you believe it, and ultimately the more you live by it.’

It’s definitely worth a go!

x Julia

PS I was sent a set of Yesmum cards but they were not intended for review, just to cheer me up! I liked them so much I blogged about them.

Love begins in our home - Yes Mum

Mami 2 Five
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25 Comments

  • Reply
    Hayley Smith @hayleyfromhome
    August 28, 2015 at 12:52 pm

    What a sweet idea, I think whatever the circumstance we all have times when we wish we could handle things better but it sounds like your friend had some good advice. They aren’t coming to any major harm and this will be the worst of it, especially when Sam isn’t in school routine. Julia, just getting up each day is a massive achievement, don’t be too hard on yourself xxx
    Hayley Smith @hayleyfromhome recently posted…Day Trips and Eating HealthyMy Profile

  • Reply
    Helen Bennicke
    August 28, 2015 at 1:33 pm

    Zara is so right and those cards are a great idea. xx (And you know that I think you’re doing great… but I see what you mean..)

  • Reply
    Cath
    August 28, 2015 at 1:40 pm

    Hiya Julia You seem to be doing a brilliant job and don’t be to hard on yourself….since I lost my husband and I didn’t have little ones to look after. I was dreadful I thought I would never stop crying and the different emotions I went through was awfull but time is a healer chick and it will get a lot better as time goes by…so keep on doing being a brilliant mum to kiddies who thinks the world of you and take one day at a time and you will get through it x Take Care Julia x

    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      August 28, 2015 at 2:58 pm

      Hi Cath, thank you so much, I hope I am doing an ok job – if I am then I suppose that is enough for now! I am trying to tell myself there is plenty of time to be perfect, if i can’t manage it now then that’s ok. I am sorry to hear you lost your husband too, it’s good to hear it gets easier xx

      • Reply
        Cath
        August 28, 2015 at 7:12 pm

        Hiya Julia Doing a ok job with your kiddies at the moment is brilliant just after losing your precious husband this time next year you will be back to being a super mummy to your 2 little ones….Yes chick it will get easier..I honestly thought just after my husband passed away it wouldn’t but as time passes it sure does…I still get upset on special occasions eg Birthdays Christmas and Angel Days but nowhere near as bad as when I first lost him Take Care chick and stay strong xxx

  • Reply
    Leigh - Headspace Perspective
    August 28, 2015 at 1:41 pm

    Those cards look brilliant, Julia. The trouble can be translating what you know to be rational thought in to reality though can’t it? Your friend is right, sometimes just getting to the end of the day is an achievement – it’s something I try to tell myself. Much love xxx
    Leigh – Headspace Perspective recently posted…One Boy Will Always Be MissingMy Profile

  • Reply
    Alan Easson
    August 28, 2015 at 2:13 pm

    It is obvious that there is a whole host of people who know you , have great empathy with you, and
    try to imagine what you have gone through . Each day has its woes but not being spared the time to
    grieve for the the one person who you totally and unconditionally loved is a barrier to enough happy
    moments within each day.

    As neighbours we know you are a wonderful person and wish as many other do that a magic formula
    could be forthcoming to get you through such a difficult time.

    Some people may say they know how you feel, but they dont..

    It may be suffice to say at the minute that everybody who knows you is pulling like hell for you.

    This support and the love of your great children will eventually be your salvation but meanwhile
    in times of despair sit in front of your mirror and give your self a good talking to. Always ending
    it with your wonderful smile and acknowledge you are doing your level best to come through.

    Your reward will be some chunks of personal happiness, blossoming as time goes by.!!

  • Reply
    Mummy Tries
    August 28, 2015 at 8:32 pm

    The cards sound fab 🙂

    You are doing amazingly well hon, because these days are SO TOUGH – it’s why they are referred to as being ‘in the trenches’! Without half the stuff you have going on, most people are reaching for the bottle at the end of each day. Pat yourself on the back gorgeous lady, you truly deserve it xxx
    Mummy Tries recently posted…When Extended Breastfeeding Comes to an Enforced EndMy Profile

  • Reply
    Mackenzie Glanville
    August 29, 2015 at 12:51 am

    I like the one there that says ‘feeling upset doesn’t mean I’m getting it wrong’. You are bound to feel upset right now, allow yourself that! I really mean that, it is OK to feel the bad stuff. Hugs xoxo
    Mackenzie Glanville recently posted…Who dictates whether you are beautiful? #Friday Reflections.My Profile

  • Reply
    Potty Mouthed Mummy
    August 29, 2015 at 8:16 am

    These cards are a wonderful idea. I’ve had a trying time with the boy, much different scenario obviously but I think your friend is spot on. Just getting through the day sometimes is the achievement enough. And yes you’re doing pretty amazingly I think. Much love xx
    Potty Mouthed Mummy recently posted…Divergent, Checks and Desks #littlelovesMy Profile

  • Reply
    Mama, My Kid Doesn't Poop Rainbows
    August 30, 2015 at 6:58 am

    Love the cards- what a sweet idea. You’re a fab mum- don’t forget it!

    #sundaystars
    Mama, My Kid Doesn’t Poop Rainbows recently posted…Mama’s Night OutMy Profile

  • Reply
    Ellie Mulligan
    August 30, 2015 at 7:00 am

    I think you are so brave Julia! I know nothing I can say can make it better, but they 3 of you can get through anything , and these cards sound like a brilliant idea! x

  • Reply
    Mini Travellers
    August 30, 2015 at 7:47 am

    The cards are a great idea, but I totally agree with your friend Zara. If you get to the end of the day and you are all still in one piece you have done brilliantly! Practically everyone I know is at their wits end with the summer holidays and school will help everyone get back into that routine that in reality most of us crave. Big hugs lovely lady #sundaystars
    Mini Travellers recently posted…Just So Festival 2015My Profile

  • Reply
    Lisa (mummascribbles)
    August 30, 2015 at 8:16 am

    What a lovely idea and what wonderful friends you have. Zara is so right though, just making it through the day is a massive achievement for a lot of mums, let alone one who is dealing what you are dealing with. You are blind to snap and you are bound to cry but please don’t think that makes you a bad mother. You are a wonderful mother who is dealing with a truly horrendous situation with two young children who probably don’t really understand the full extent of what has happened. You are brilliant Julia, and we all think so. #sundaystars
    Lisa (mummascribbles) recently posted…The if and when of baby number twoMy Profile

  • Reply
    Claire
    August 30, 2015 at 8:54 am

    My heart aches for you, parenting is such a tough and trying thing even when life is sailing along nicely. You are an inspiration to us all, managing to verbalise what you are struggling with is increadible! I am so glad to read that you have a good friend with a wise head on her sholders, Zara, if you are reading this I’m sure I don’t have to tell you but keep up the good work, you are doing great too! I just really wanted to say what a friend said to me a while ago… when children see us struggling with our emotions, they see that we are real and that real people don’t always have everything ‘sorted’ that in turn gives them permission to accept that they too have emotions they don’t understand or know how to deal with… this is a powerful thing for all of us xx
    Claire recently posted…Busy Doing Life Linky #7My Profile

  • Reply
    You Baby Me Mummy
    August 30, 2015 at 10:20 am

    You are amazing and your friends gives very sensible advice. You can only take each day as it comes. Big hugs lovely xxx
    You Baby Me Mummy recently posted…Do You Need To Let Go?My Profile

  • Reply
    Karen (@karenjwhitlock)
    August 30, 2015 at 8:34 pm

    Those cards are great! What a lovely idea.
    Two years old are trying aren’t they. Mine has discovered “No!” and tantrums when she doesn’t get her own way and I am not having to deal with what you are. You are the strongest woman I know and not only are you a fantastic mum you are an amazing role model for your kids. The way you have dealt with your situation will help to teach them how to cope in adverse situations.
    Love you x

  • Reply
    Gemma Murphy
    August 30, 2015 at 9:01 pm

    With a daughter going in for Heart Surgery #4 in a few weeks – I NEED these cards.

    You are such an inspirational Lady, and I think you need to let yourself have “bad days” sometimes. Xxx
    Gemma Murphy recently posted…Some news!My Profile

  • Reply
    mummuddlingthrough
    August 30, 2015 at 9:30 pm

    The cards are a lovely idea – they should sell it in wallpaper form 😉 keep smiling, reading your blog always makes my bad day seem so insignificant – sending lots of love x x x MMT #sundaystars
    mummuddlingthrough recently posted…StaycationMy Profile

  • Reply
    Katie / Pouting In Heels
    September 1, 2015 at 1:10 pm

    The very fact that you’re doubting your current ability as a mum, proves that you are indeed a wonderful and loving mum. 🙂 Julia, my love, motherhood is tough at times, even for those fortunate ones of us, who have nothing major to worry about, apart from life in general.

    To go through what you’ve been through, as a family and as mum will undoubtedly take it’s toll, and you’re bound to tear yourself to bits at times, for not doing this or not feeling that, but please don’t. All of us can only ever do the best that we can, at any time, so hang on in there. Sometimes as everyone has said, getting through the day is GOOD ENOUGH. Much love xxx

    P.S The cards are a wonderful idea and reminded me of this that I read yesterday, which you might fancy reading x

    http://www.freep.com/story/entertainment/2015/08/30/what-dr-wayne-dyer-wrote-free-press-readers/71441456/
    Katie / Pouting In Heels recently posted…CHOOSE THE LIFE YOU WANT AND MAKE IT HAPPENMy Profile

  • Reply
    Someone's Mum
    January 7, 2016 at 8:47 pm

    A lovely post and a lovely idea. It sounds to me like your children are going to be so proud of you – doing your best in difficult circumstances and keeping swimming is something you should be so proud of too. x

  • Reply
    mummyofboygirltwins
    February 22, 2016 at 5:10 pm

    I like this idea a lot. I get a lot of inspiration from Pinterest – quotes and motivational messages so I know what you mean. You are a good Mum though, you’re doing a great job xx

    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      February 23, 2016 at 5:48 am

      Thanks Jess! x

  • Reply
    Natalie Streets | DiaryofUEM
    February 22, 2016 at 5:56 pm

    These cards look fab! I’ve followed from afar for quite a while because I know there is nothing I can really say that will make a difference to your life or how you feel. Just believe in yourself, that is all you can do. And give yourself a break, even superheroes have off days! xx
    Natalie Streets | DiaryofUEM recently posted…Friday Phone DumpMy Profile

    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      February 23, 2016 at 5:47 am

      Thanks Natalie! That is very good advice. Thanks so much for your comment x

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