I feel like a terrible mother. I know as I type this you will read it and say no you’re not, you’re doing great.
You are ace, don’t worry, keep it up lady! You will say what part of me is telling myself too – that it’s ok not to be perfect, to have bad days, to lose your temper and to cry in front of the kids – but it’s bothering me and I can’t shake it off.
Before Roger died, I worried about how I would look after our children (who are six and two) when they were upset and I was too. In fact, it’s more a case of how do I manage to look after myself when they are not visibly upset, but acting out and testing the tired and irritable me.
Some if not most days, the normal things that kids do manage to wind me up so much that I can’t seem to deal with it in a rational way, and end up shouting at them way more than I should. I’m taking it out on them, I know, but it’s like until I can give myself space to feel better, I can’t react to them in a rational, decent mum kind of way.
It’s not all bad news – we have had plenty of lovely moments when the three of us are cuddled up on the sofa, having a group hug, watching a film together or playing a game. But there are definitely the harder times when I feel I can’t cope, and I look ahead and wonder how I will cope with these two little beings, these parts of us, on my own.
My straight-talking friend Zara reminded me yesterday, just after Florence threw herself on the floor in a magnificently crowd-drawing tantrum, that this is the worst it will ever get and to give myself a pat on the back for just getting through each day. The basic thrust of her advice was, if you get to the end of the day and they are still alive, then you have done a good enough job!
Like the angel on my shoulder, she reminded me it is the end of the school holidays – a time when most parents are at their wits’ end anyway – and not to judge the rest of my life on this week. Turns out that is probably sterling advice.
I’ve had another reminder that things might not be quite so bad this week in the form of a set of life-affirming cards from Yes Mum, aka hypnobirthing guru Hollie De Cruz.
The cards are meant to be put in a place where you can see them daily, as a little nudge to say we mamas are all doing a great job. Each with its own phrase, my favourites include ‘Today I shall slow down and try not to rush’, ‘I do not judge or criticise myself’ and ‘Feeling upset doesn’t mean I’m getting it wrong’.
The mantra I need tattooing on my brain is this one: ‘Everything is going to be okay’.
I certainly hope that’s right.
The cards were developed by Hollie as a way of encouraging a positive thought process, which in turn affects the way we live our lives. As she says, ‘a change in emotional state directly affects the way you experience the world around you. The more you tell yourself something, the more you believe it, and ultimately the more you live by it.’
It’s definitely worth a go!
x Julia
PS I was sent a set of Yesmum cards but they were not intended for review, just to cheer me up! I liked them so much I blogged about them.
25 Comments
Hayley Smith @hayleyfromhome
August 28, 2015 at 12:52 pmWhat a sweet idea, I think whatever the circumstance we all have times when we wish we could handle things better but it sounds like your friend had some good advice. They aren’t coming to any major harm and this will be the worst of it, especially when Sam isn’t in school routine. Julia, just getting up each day is a massive achievement, don’t be too hard on yourself xxx
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Helen Bennicke
August 28, 2015 at 1:33 pmZara is so right and those cards are a great idea. xx (And you know that I think you’re doing great… but I see what you mean..)
Cath
August 28, 2015 at 1:40 pmHiya Julia You seem to be doing a brilliant job and don’t be to hard on yourself….since I lost my husband and I didn’t have little ones to look after. I was dreadful I thought I would never stop crying and the different emotions I went through was awfull but time is a healer chick and it will get a lot better as time goes by…so keep on doing being a brilliant mum to kiddies who thinks the world of you and take one day at a time and you will get through it x Take Care Julia x
Rainbeaubelle
August 28, 2015 at 2:58 pmHi Cath, thank you so much, I hope I am doing an ok job – if I am then I suppose that is enough for now! I am trying to tell myself there is plenty of time to be perfect, if i can’t manage it now then that’s ok. I am sorry to hear you lost your husband too, it’s good to hear it gets easier xx
Cath
August 28, 2015 at 7:12 pmHiya Julia Doing a ok job with your kiddies at the moment is brilliant just after losing your precious husband this time next year you will be back to being a super mummy to your 2 little ones….Yes chick it will get easier..I honestly thought just after my husband passed away it wouldn’t but as time passes it sure does…I still get upset on special occasions eg Birthdays Christmas and Angel Days but nowhere near as bad as when I first lost him Take Care chick and stay strong xxx
Leigh - Headspace Perspective
August 28, 2015 at 1:41 pmThose cards look brilliant, Julia. The trouble can be translating what you know to be rational thought in to reality though can’t it? Your friend is right, sometimes just getting to the end of the day is an achievement – it’s something I try to tell myself. Much love xxx
Leigh – Headspace Perspective recently posted…One Boy Will Always Be Missing
Alan Easson
August 28, 2015 at 2:13 pmIt is obvious that there is a whole host of people who know you , have great empathy with you, and
try to imagine what you have gone through . Each day has its woes but not being spared the time to
grieve for the the one person who you totally and unconditionally loved is a barrier to enough happy
moments within each day.
As neighbours we know you are a wonderful person and wish as many other do that a magic formula
could be forthcoming to get you through such a difficult time.
Some people may say they know how you feel, but they dont..
It may be suffice to say at the minute that everybody who knows you is pulling like hell for you.
This support and the love of your great children will eventually be your salvation but meanwhile
in times of despair sit in front of your mirror and give your self a good talking to. Always ending
it with your wonderful smile and acknowledge you are doing your level best to come through.
Your reward will be some chunks of personal happiness, blossoming as time goes by.!!
Mummy Tries
August 28, 2015 at 8:32 pmThe cards sound fab 🙂
You are doing amazingly well hon, because these days are SO TOUGH – it’s why they are referred to as being ‘in the trenches’! Without half the stuff you have going on, most people are reaching for the bottle at the end of each day. Pat yourself on the back gorgeous lady, you truly deserve it xxx
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Mackenzie Glanville
August 29, 2015 at 12:51 amI like the one there that says ‘feeling upset doesn’t mean I’m getting it wrong’. You are bound to feel upset right now, allow yourself that! I really mean that, it is OK to feel the bad stuff. Hugs xoxo
Mackenzie Glanville recently posted…Who dictates whether you are beautiful? #Friday Reflections.
Potty Mouthed Mummy
August 29, 2015 at 8:16 amThese cards are a wonderful idea. I’ve had a trying time with the boy, much different scenario obviously but I think your friend is spot on. Just getting through the day sometimes is the achievement enough. And yes you’re doing pretty amazingly I think. Much love xx
Potty Mouthed Mummy recently posted…Divergent, Checks and Desks #littleloves
Mama, My Kid Doesn't Poop Rainbows
August 30, 2015 at 6:58 amLove the cards- what a sweet idea. You’re a fab mum- don’t forget it!
#sundaystars
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Ellie Mulligan
August 30, 2015 at 7:00 amI think you are so brave Julia! I know nothing I can say can make it better, but they 3 of you can get through anything , and these cards sound like a brilliant idea! x
Mini Travellers
August 30, 2015 at 7:47 amThe cards are a great idea, but I totally agree with your friend Zara. If you get to the end of the day and you are all still in one piece you have done brilliantly! Practically everyone I know is at their wits end with the summer holidays and school will help everyone get back into that routine that in reality most of us crave. Big hugs lovely lady #sundaystars
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Lisa (mummascribbles)
August 30, 2015 at 8:16 amWhat a lovely idea and what wonderful friends you have. Zara is so right though, just making it through the day is a massive achievement for a lot of mums, let alone one who is dealing what you are dealing with. You are blind to snap and you are bound to cry but please don’t think that makes you a bad mother. You are a wonderful mother who is dealing with a truly horrendous situation with two young children who probably don’t really understand the full extent of what has happened. You are brilliant Julia, and we all think so. #sundaystars
Lisa (mummascribbles) recently posted…The if and when of baby number two
Claire
August 30, 2015 at 8:54 amMy heart aches for you, parenting is such a tough and trying thing even when life is sailing along nicely. You are an inspiration to us all, managing to verbalise what you are struggling with is increadible! I am so glad to read that you have a good friend with a wise head on her sholders, Zara, if you are reading this I’m sure I don’t have to tell you but keep up the good work, you are doing great too! I just really wanted to say what a friend said to me a while ago… when children see us struggling with our emotions, they see that we are real and that real people don’t always have everything ‘sorted’ that in turn gives them permission to accept that they too have emotions they don’t understand or know how to deal with… this is a powerful thing for all of us xx
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You Baby Me Mummy
August 30, 2015 at 10:20 amYou are amazing and your friends gives very sensible advice. You can only take each day as it comes. Big hugs lovely xxx
You Baby Me Mummy recently posted…Do You Need To Let Go?
Karen (@karenjwhitlock)
August 30, 2015 at 8:34 pmThose cards are great! What a lovely idea.
Two years old are trying aren’t they. Mine has discovered “No!” and tantrums when she doesn’t get her own way and I am not having to deal with what you are. You are the strongest woman I know and not only are you a fantastic mum you are an amazing role model for your kids. The way you have dealt with your situation will help to teach them how to cope in adverse situations.
Love you x
Gemma Murphy
August 30, 2015 at 9:01 pmWith a daughter going in for Heart Surgery #4 in a few weeks – I NEED these cards.
You are such an inspirational Lady, and I think you need to let yourself have “bad days” sometimes. Xxx
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mummuddlingthrough
August 30, 2015 at 9:30 pmThe cards are a lovely idea – they should sell it in wallpaper form 😉 keep smiling, reading your blog always makes my bad day seem so insignificant – sending lots of love x x x MMT #sundaystars
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Katie / Pouting In Heels
September 1, 2015 at 1:10 pmThe very fact that you’re doubting your current ability as a mum, proves that you are indeed a wonderful and loving mum. 🙂 Julia, my love, motherhood is tough at times, even for those fortunate ones of us, who have nothing major to worry about, apart from life in general.
To go through what you’ve been through, as a family and as mum will undoubtedly take it’s toll, and you’re bound to tear yourself to bits at times, for not doing this or not feeling that, but please don’t. All of us can only ever do the best that we can, at any time, so hang on in there. Sometimes as everyone has said, getting through the day is GOOD ENOUGH. Much love xxx
P.S The cards are a wonderful idea and reminded me of this that I read yesterday, which you might fancy reading x
http://www.freep.com/story/entertainment/2015/08/30/what-dr-wayne-dyer-wrote-free-press-readers/71441456/
Katie / Pouting In Heels recently posted…CHOOSE THE LIFE YOU WANT AND MAKE IT HAPPEN
Someone's Mum
January 7, 2016 at 8:47 pmA lovely post and a lovely idea. It sounds to me like your children are going to be so proud of you – doing your best in difficult circumstances and keeping swimming is something you should be so proud of too. x
mummyofboygirltwins
February 22, 2016 at 5:10 pmI like this idea a lot. I get a lot of inspiration from Pinterest – quotes and motivational messages so I know what you mean. You are a good Mum though, you’re doing a great job xx
Rainbeaubelle
February 23, 2016 at 5:48 amThanks Jess! x
Natalie Streets | DiaryofUEM
February 22, 2016 at 5:56 pmThese cards look fab! I’ve followed from afar for quite a while because I know there is nothing I can really say that will make a difference to your life or how you feel. Just believe in yourself, that is all you can do. And give yourself a break, even superheroes have off days! xx
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Rainbeaubelle
February 23, 2016 at 5:47 amThanks Natalie! That is very good advice. Thanks so much for your comment x