I feel like I’ve been in a kind of summer blog hibernation, where although I have managed to write a few posts and keep things ticking over it’s been ages since I’ve managed to grab enough time to sit down and write about how things are and where life’s going at the moment.
This morning I’ve dropped both my children at school for the first time, as Florence has been doing half days for the first two weeks and we’ve had more time together at home. Although this has been really nice and I love spending time with her (she’s really easy and fun company), it feels like so long since I had a day to myself and some time to recharge.
I’d say I’m pretty extroverted but if I don’t get time on my own I start to go a bit insane! I have to have quiet time to get my head together and to be able to be me. As the only adult in a house with two children, grabbing any kind of time on my own has been a struggle over the summer. Even running, which I do to try to get a break really, has been cut down to once a week and I’ve been craving a bit of peace.
I think I’ve always been like this in a way, but ever since Roger died I feel a bit like my mind has been playing catch up and needs longer to process everyday things. It’s almost like there’s always something going on in the background (is that what grief is maybe?) so there is one less thing I can keep my mind on at any one time.
If I’m trying to do something and both my children are talking to me, say, my head explodes and I need to tell them one at a time before I lose it! I’m sure I wasn’t like that before.
It’s kind of a weird place to be for me at the moment. I love being on my own but I feel how lonely it is too. I love talking to people, I need interaction and I don’t mean answering questions like which is my favourite snake, how many hours there are in 10 years or what Father Christmas looked like as a baby.
I need more than that and I don’t feel I should apologise for it.
Anyway to get to the point, I’ve been looking forward to this new routine for weeks. I’ll be working more but also having more time at home so I can try to write more, and I’m hoping this balance will work out really well for me and family life.
What I’ll write about though I don’t know, as I’ve been having thoughts about this blog lately and where it should go. It’s helped me so much over the years, it’s been like therapy, a support group and really a much-needed distraction.
This blog, which started out as a place I thought I would turn into a kids’ interiors shop (I know!), is like an extension of my life and I’m not sure what I’d do without it.
But as my life changes, I’ve got to think about how much of that I want to share and how much time I have to invest in it.
As a single woman in her 40s (ok, let’s just say 40 because it sounds better) there is more to me than family life. I’ve hinted at this before, and I’m sure anyone who has followed my blog for a while would expect it, but I’m not against going soon dates and realise I need adult company and conversation just as much as I need a happy family life.
I’ve come to accept that those two things may not come together for me anymore; the shape of my family is different from most, from how I thought it would be and how I wanted it to be. A lot of being widowed I think is coming accept that life has not worked out how I planned it, while trying to steady the ship enough to get to a place where I can start to wonder what might come next.
If I were to meet someone new though, I don’t think I’d want to write about it or share such personal thoughts with the world. Maybe if it happened I would, but I just don’t think it would work.
I hope I’m not sounding too cryptic, I think I’m just trying to work out what I’m doing as much as wanting to explain why this blog has been a little quiet.
If you’re a blogger you will no doubt be eye rolling by now because pretty much everyone who writes a blog has thought about giving up at some point. The whole process, although very rewarding, is extremely time-consuming, and when the time isn’t there it can quite easily slip.
These past few weeks I have missed deadlines, taken photographs and not written up the posts, and I have several half-written posts in draft which could be great if only I could be bothered to finish them off!
I need someone to remind me that my motivation cannot be found on twitter or instagram, and I need to get some momentum going again.
What I need to work out now is do I carry on, and if so, do I take a different path? Should I abandon writing about our personal lives in favour of more lifestyle stuff like fashion maybe, travel or interiors? Or should I just close it down and pour my energy into another dream of mine, turning what I’ve already written into a book?
I guess I could just do nothing, sit tight, leave the blog and spend my free time watching box sets, drinking wine in my pyjamas. But I’ve never been a great one at switching off and doing nothing, no matter how much my body says it needs to recharge.
I suppose I’ll just have to hope I get a flash of inspiration and know which road to take.