We’re just over a third of the way through September but already my mood seems to have lifted slightly from ‘I can’t cope with the world’ to more like ‘I can cope with today’. As I wrote last week, I’ve been feeling so tired lately that I lost a bit of perspective towards the end of the summer holidays. Now we seem to be getting back into a routine, something which is very welcome after the uncertainties and sadness of our year so far.
I’m enjoying having a bit of time to myself – I’m not back at work for a few more weeks yet – but there still doesn’t seem to be that much downtime going on. Some might say I’m purposefully filling my time to keep busy but to be honest I’ve always been a bit like that, an early riser who doesn’t like to sit still for too long. I love having time on my own, but never really seem to be able to take that time to just be. I always have to be doing something, be that writing, tidying the house, painting a table (yes I did actually just do that), reading, online shopping (ahem), I find it pretty hard to just switch off.
I’ve been meeting up with friends, trying to arrange lots of nice things to do like going for lunch and even daring to take the kids out for brunch on my own.
This in itself felt like a massive achievement, as after a few weeks (or months) of just feeling like I was a rubbish parent, a few weeks ago we had a peaceful Saturday morning out just mooching around and doing something fun. Sometimes we try to make big plans to entertain the kids and forget that the things they like best are the simple pleasures like walks in the sunshine or pancakes, bacon and maple syrup at a cafe.
It sounds straightforward, but it has just been so long since I’ve had the time or energy to take them out like that on a whim. With the help of a couple of comics, I managed to sit down and drink tea, eat poached eggs and find those few minutes of illusive breathing space.
I feel like I need time to adjust to life again, but having a few things to look forward to is helping. Later this month I’m going on my first ever spa day with friends, and later this week I’m heading to London for something very special, the Mad Blog Awards. I’ll be writing a post on this shortly but thanks so much once more to everyone who voted for me in the best writer category – I’m just a little bit excited!
I must admit it feels really strange to be thinking of feeling excited about anything after losing Rog, and I often have that guilt that I shouldn’t be feeling that way. I suppose I’m so used to having him around but not always in the house that it often feels a bit like he is still here.
I still constantly feel like I want to speak to him, something pops into my head and I want to share it with him, think I’ll call or text him and remember that I can’t. His phone still sits on his bedside table but it no longer rings. I don’t imagine I’ll ever get used to that, but maybe I will get used to talking to him out loud even though he isn’t there. I’m sure lots of people feel they do that with their partners anyway to be honest!
So September so far, for me, has been about the syrup on the pancakes and the slight relief of the school routine. And with that, I’m off to make my own pancakes, using this fab recipe from Rachel at The Ordinary Lovely, who after meeting for the first time this month is not just one of my fave bloggers but now a friend in ‘real life’.