Family,Loss

Life’s changes and moving house

Superlambanana http://rainbeaubelle.com

Plant and welcome sign http://rainbeaubelle.com

When I’m not writing about the bigger issues, like getting things out of my system or wondering where this thing called life is going (I’ve been listening to a lot of Prince lately), I’m probably writing about other stuff like make-up, running, or tea.

It isn’t because the bigger stuff has gone away, it just feels like too much to write it down. It’s almost as if the more things I have going on, the less time I have to sit and think about it all and when I do get a spare hour to write a blog post it comes out as something not very serious at all, like make-up or tea.

Now I’m not apologising – I know we all like to read a bit of froth every now and again and the pleasure I get from keeping this blog going is that I have the freedom to write whatever I goddam please. When Rog were here, I used to ask him his opinion if I thought something I’d written was ‘too nothing-y’, and he’d always shrug and say so what if it is? People like to read that kind of stuff too.

The thing is, it just feels like there are so many plates in the air at the moment that by the time I’ve finished keeping them all spinning at the end of the day, all I can manage is to sit on the sofa, check my emails, mess about on twitter, maybe do a bit of online retail therapy and try to get to bed early.

Superlambanana http://rainbeaubelle.com

Ten months on since Rog died and although things have got easier there are still lots of really down days and lots of times where I start to cry totally unexpectedly. I miss him so much and can feel so lonely without him, sometimes it’s overwhelming and I wonder if I’ll ever feel truly happy again.

It’s like the only person who can make me feel better isn’t here, and that’s tough. I can’t tell you I’d give for a great big hug from my husband, even an hour to chat with him and to share what’s on my mind would do.
I’d tell him about how Sam is struggling a bit too, getting upset and blanking things out constantly. I worry about him all the time and never seem to have the time to work out how I can help.

I’d tell him about how Flo has potty trained herself in the past few weeks. Our easy, loving little girl who’s like my teddy bear when I’m feeling really low. As I was writing this, in bed on a Sunday morning, she just came and snuggled up next to me and gave me a hug. She’s such a little cuddler and has been a real help to me ever since she was born.

Oh and I’d tell him about how we have decided to move house. I know he’d understand – we talked about it before he passed away – but I just need to be closer to my family, to go home.

I’ve lived in Wirral for about eight years now and it’s such a great place to be, but it just feels so sad here without Rog, the reason I moved here in the first place. This house is our house, it was our project, our labour of love and we made it our own. We’re half an hour to Liverpool and five minutes’ walk to the beach. I had always dreamed of living near the beach.

But I’m tired of the two-hour commute to see my parents, I’d love to live nearer to all my family and my closest friends from school. I think about how nice it would be to drop in on my mum and or my sister for tea (and have them drop in at mine too, I promise I’ll reciprocate). 

I can’t do this on my own, I need to find all the help I can. I’ve spent months thinking about whether this is the right choice or not and I’ve come to the conclusion that wherever we live, Rog is with us in our hearts and it doesn’t take a house he once lived in to keep us close.
If the past few years have taught me anything it’s that life is short and if you want to try something out then you should just do it, not sit around and wonder what things would be like if you did. And you know what? Nearly everyone I have told has said they think it’s the right thing to do.

So I’m going to give it a go. Our house is on the market and sometime in the summer we will be moving to my hometown in Yorkshire. I know deep down it is the right decision but it doesn’t make it any easier; with any house move there is so much to do but for this one, it will mean packing up not just our things but Roger’s things too. It’s a hard road ahead but I’m hoping the destination will be worth it.

Wherever we go, we will carry Rog in our hearts and I know if he could read this he would say we were doing the right thing. For now, I’m just taking a deep breath and getting on with the practicalities of selling a house where two small people live. I think that’s a different post entirely!

x Julia

I carry you in my heart http://rainbeaubelle.com

I’ve been shortlisted in the Bibs awards as Readers’ Choice, and in the Mads as Best Writer. If you’d like to vote, just click below! Thank you! x

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35 Comments

  • Reply
    Notmyyearoff
    May 15, 2016 at 12:17 pm

    I often think about you all. I hope that’s not too strange considering we haven’t met! I know, if it were me, I’d do exactly the same thing. I moved to where I am to be with my husband and without him I would want to be near my family and friends where I grew up. I hope the whole move and all the emotions that go with it go easy on you. And you are completely right. You will have Roger with you in your hearts wherever you go xx
    Notmyyearoff recently posted…The fabulous weatherMy Profile

    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      May 15, 2016 at 7:52 pm

      Aw, Tas, thank you and no that doesn’t seem strange at all, I’m not sure how we haven’t managed to meet yet! I know it will be a tiring few months so am bracing myself! x

  • Reply
    Carie
    May 15, 2016 at 12:33 pm

    I think the move makes perfect sense, you’re moving to where your ‘village’ is and it will be lovely to have family close by. Fingers crossed for a quick sale for your house and the perfect new house turning up when you need it 🙂
    Carie recently posted…Siblings 2016: MayMy Profile

    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      May 15, 2016 at 7:52 pm

      Thanks Carie, I hope so too, there is so much luck involved isn’t there! x

  • Reply
    Vicki Bruce
    May 15, 2016 at 2:11 pm

    I think your family will enjoy having you all closer just as much as you will take strength from being close to them. Roger is in everything you do & moving will never change that. I wish you all the best for the move and I can’t wait to read all about your Yorkshire adventures & the great thing about the UK is we are never that far from beach no matter where we live. xxxx
    Vicki Bruce recently posted…Exploring Cornwall Week #7My Profile

    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      May 15, 2016 at 7:54 pm

      No I suppose not, though I reckon I will be two hours from the nearest beach so will have to make do with the river and the pebble ‘beach’ or the moors! I know you’ve just had a massive move too so can probably relate! xx

  • Reply
    Deb Troops
    May 15, 2016 at 3:19 pm

    Deep breath Jules and jump right in this is the next adventure X

    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      May 15, 2016 at 7:54 pm

      Thanks Debs xxx

  • Reply
    Sue
    May 15, 2016 at 3:31 pm

    You’re going home. Home! It makes prefect sense. Good luck over the next few (extra hard and trying) months, but it will be worth it when you get home. X

    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      May 15, 2016 at 7:54 pm

      Thank you! I think it will do us all good to have such a big distraction xx

  • Reply
    Donna
    May 15, 2016 at 5:42 pm

    Such a big decision but I completely understand. What was holding you here just isn’t here any more and you need, and deserve, to be close to your support x
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    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      May 15, 2016 at 7:55 pm

      You are right. I do have some really close friends here and of course Roger’s family, but sometimes you just need your mum don’t you! xx

  • Reply
    Carol Ramsay
    May 15, 2016 at 6:41 pm

    Such a hard decision to make but I’m sure you have made the right one. It’s natural to want to be nearer to your family and they’ll be a big help I’m sure. Best of luck to you all x

    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      May 15, 2016 at 7:55 pm

      Thanks so much Carol, oh and I owe you an email! 🙂 xx

  • Reply
    gill
    May 15, 2016 at 6:46 pm

    It was lovley to have met you and your lovley children even if it was in a car park with a flat tyre, i have read your blog since steph told me who you were, I hope your move goes well, and i was once a widow, once a long time ago but am now incredibly happy with the lovley man you met with me and my son, So one day when your ready you will be happy again,

    Good Luck x

    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      May 15, 2016 at 7:56 pm

      I owe you another big thank you for saving us that day, you really did help us out massively and we were very grateful! I am sorry to hear you have been in a similar position too but thanks for the encouragement! x

  • Reply
    Katie
    May 15, 2016 at 6:54 pm

    Whatever you do will be right, even if the logistics of making it happen feel overwhelming at times.
    I’m really looking forward to being a helpful Auntie and sister in in so many more practical ways. Love you xxxx

    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      May 15, 2016 at 7:57 pm

      I was just telling Sam that he will be able to go for sleepover’s at Auntie Katie’s ‘without me!’ Hahaha 🙂 xxx

  • Reply
    Claire
    May 15, 2016 at 7:16 pm

    What a great decision, the Wirral will miss you but having your family and close friends around you right now is what all 3 of you need x I think it will be very healing for all of you and like you say, Rog is in your heart’s and you carry him everywhere, moving won’t change that xxx good luck x

    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      May 15, 2016 at 7:58 pm

      Thanks Claire. I am going to miss it round here but yes, healing I think it will be that is the right word! xx

  • Reply
    Lisa (mummascribbles)
    May 15, 2016 at 7:16 pm

    Julia, I absolutely, definitely think this is exactly what you need to do. I can’t imagine having no support around me, especially with what you have been through. You need your mum and dad close by, you need friends who you can go out with and Roger would totally understand and be sending you there himself if he could. You have done so well, so amazing at looking after your gorgeous babies but you know what, someone needs to look after you as well and you are going to just the right place for that to happen. I hope the house sells quickly and easily and I look forward to reading about your move. Lots of love xxx
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    • Reply
      Rainbeaubelle
      May 15, 2016 at 7:58 pm

      Thank you Lisa, that is a bit part of it, I feel like I need a bit of looking after too! So true xx

  • Reply
    Mum
    May 15, 2016 at 8:52 pm

    Dear Jules, we know moving house has been a very hard decision to make and we’ll miss our lovely trips to stay with you all in warm, sunny Hoylake but we re so looking forward to having you all nearby and being able to lend a helping hand whenever you need us! Rog lives on in our lovely Sam & Flo and in our eyes he will always be here with you all too! Love you all loads xxxx Mum & Dad.

  • Reply
    Ann
    May 15, 2016 at 9:44 pm

    Good luck to you all. I would do the same thing in your place. It’s a shame florence won’t be at meols pre school as mAggie was looking forward to being with her (and have to confess I’ve been telling her flo poos on the toilet to try and get her to but no joy yet!). Hope it all goes well xx

  • Reply
    Tanya
    May 15, 2016 at 9:45 pm

    What a good but tough decision to make my love. Of course you need your family near and Rog will be in your heart every minute of every day. Wishing you all the very best and of course to see you before you go. XxxX

  • Reply
    Amy Christmas
    May 15, 2016 at 10:00 pm

    Wishing you and Sam and Flo a smooth and positive move, Julia. Your reasons sound like they are both rational and from the heart, and best for all of you. I’m sure Sam and Flo will flourish being close to family and surrounded by beautiful Yorkshire countryside and folk. Xxx

  • Reply
    Colin
    May 15, 2016 at 11:02 pm

    Sounds a good decision to me Jules. Anything that will give you a bit of extra emotional and practical support makes sense. Would be good to try and meet up before you go and have a chat about Rog x

  • Reply
    Mim
    May 15, 2016 at 11:10 pm

    A big decision to move and it sounds like it’s the perfect one for you all – being closer to your family will be wonderful for you and the kids 🙂 plus Yorkshire is so beautiful too. A new chapter lovely, sending you all my love and positive thoughts for a quick and easy sale x x

  • Reply
    Sally wheatman
    May 16, 2016 at 7:47 am

    Good luck with the move Julia. I thought about it a lot when my children were small but never took the plunge. Life might have been easier if I had – but it would have meant living in Lincolnshire!
    Sally wheatman recently posted…Coming Soon: New .Blog Domains for WebsitesMy Profile

  • Reply
    jules
    May 16, 2016 at 12:27 pm

    Much love and luck to you Julia. It’s a big decision but it sounds like the right one for you. I hope it all goes smoothly. X

  • Reply
    RachelSwirl
    May 16, 2016 at 10:48 pm

    Rog will be with you no matter where you go, he is in your heart x
    RachelSwirl recently posted…J’s Birthday- Cakes Of The Past And Yet To BeMy Profile

  • Reply
    mummyofboygirltwins
    May 17, 2016 at 12:41 pm

    I think you’re incredibly brave and very sensible – you do need family around you now and so this is a great decision. As you know I have just moved over 100+ miles away and I have made new friends so quickly. Good luck and can’t wait to hear more xx
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  • Reply
    Natalie
    May 17, 2016 at 1:39 pm

    Oh lovely I had a little cry reading this, I can’t imagine what you are going through. I think you are making the best decision for your family – having your parents a bit closer will make so much difference for you. Good luck xxxxx
    Natalie recently posted…MarriageMy Profile

  • Reply
    Deacon Blue, sunglasses and busy busy busy #littleloves
    May 20, 2016 at 8:40 am

    […] also read a really heartfelt post from Julia at Rainbeaubelle – such a brave amazing […]

  • Reply
    Tracey Williams
    May 24, 2016 at 11:13 am

    Julia I am sure you have thought long and hard about your decision to go back home, and it is so true that we all need our mum from time to time. I am wishing you lots of luck with your new adventure in Yorkshire, which is my favourite county. By the way I love your little super lamb banana x
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