September, seasons and sadness

A very good thing about writing a blog is that – like a diary – you can go back and see how life was for you at any point in the past.

I have been struggling to write much lately as I’ve been feeling pretty low. I just looked back at my posts from last September and this post Survival, syrup and school pretty much sums up how I am feeling this month too. I have moved on and some things have physically changed in my life – we have relocated for a start – but I still find it really hard to not have much headspace and the end of the school holidays have been pretty tough.

I feel a bit ridiculous writing that because I know I have had regular breaks as I work three days a week. My parents have been amazing and looked after Sam and Flo on those days and it’s not like I am stuck at home trying to manage with them on my own every day. Despite this though, I still find it hard and the time when I get home from work and on my days off, I don’t have any time to myself and I don’t have much breathing space.

You might be reading this and thinking yeah, right well neither do I and I’m not moaning about it. It’s just normal, everyday parenthood and that’s what you signed up for. Well maybe that’s true, but I still feel like I’m playing catch up on my emotions from last year and beyond. I try not to think about it too much, but I am still grieving, and grief takes up a hell of a lot of energy and thought in your brain.

It tires you out and wears you down, it keeps you up late at night and in the wee small hours. It puts weight on your shoulders that you shouldn’t really have. It makes you feel lonely and sad and like no one understands. It does all of these things and I just wish it would go away!

I’m sure I’ve written before that the end of a season sometimes brings these feelings out a bit more, as it reminds me that time is moving on and I’m not. It’s a tap on the shoulder that my situation is permanent and no matter how I try not to think about it my husband and best friend is never coming back. We’ll never share those jokes again and I’ll never feel his arms around me, making me feel better. All I have to hold is a small wooden heart with some of his ashes inside, it’s hardly the same is it?

If you’d have asked me last September how I thought I would feel a year on I wouldn’t have been able to answer, but I’m pretty sure I thought I would have felt better than this. Perhaps once school starts and we’re back in a routine things will ease a little, and I can find more distractions to keep my mind busy.

I’ve started running again, albeit slowly as again I don’t have much free time, and I’m going to post about how that’s going in the next week or so. I’ve also got the MAD Blog Awards to look forward to, my friend’s wedding, a party and a day in London where I’ll be speaking at Her Event at the Olympia. More about that soon too!

I have a massive distraction in the fact that I have my whole new house to sort out and decorate; I’m still surrounded by boxes and my bedroom is driving me mad, I desperately need a trip to Ikea to solve my wardrobe crisis. And I’m still trying to work out the perfect shade of grey for my lounge wall.

I know it’s early days and things go up and down, but these past few weeks seem to have hit me hard and I need to try not to let it get on top of me. I’m sure next time I write about my life things will be slightly rosier, if not I’ll have to keep reading back to remind me that I have actually moved on and things are getting better.

Sorry if you’ve read this and think it’s just a massive moan – it probably is – but I always try to be honest in my posts as that’s how it’s always been. Thanks for listening to me 🙂

X Julia

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