Family,Loss

September, seasons and sadness

Hesketh farm in Bolton Abbey

Hesketh farm in Bolton Abbey

A very good thing about writing a blog is that – like a diary – you can go back and see how life was for you at any point in the past.

I have been struggling to write much lately as I’ve been feeling pretty low. I just looked back at my posts from last September and this post Survival, syrup and school pretty much sums up how I am feeling this month too. I have moved on and some things have physically changed in my life – we have relocated for a start – but I still find it really hard to not have much headspace and the end of the school holidays have been pretty tough.

I feel a bit ridiculous writing that because I know I have had regular breaks as I work three days a week. My parents have been amazing and looked after Sam and Flo on those days and it’s not like I am stuck at home trying to manage with them on my own every day. Despite this though, I still find it hard and the time when I get home from work and on my days off, I don’t have any time to myself and I don’t have much breathing space.

You might be reading this and thinking yeah, right well neither do I and I’m not moaning about it. It’s just normal, everyday parenthood and that’s what you signed up for. Well maybe that’s true, but I still feel like I’m playing catch up on my emotions from last year and beyond. I try not to think about it too much, but I am still grieving, and grief takes up a hell of a lot of energy and thought in your brain.

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It tires you out and wears you down, it keeps you up late at night and in the wee small hours. It puts weight on your shoulders that you shouldn’t really have. It makes you feel lonely and sad and like no one understands. It does all of these things and I just wish it would go away!

I’m sure I’ve written before that the end of a season sometimes brings these feelings out a bit more, as it reminds me that time is moving on and I’m not. It’s a tap on the shoulder that my situation is permanent and no matter how I try not to think about it my husband and best friend is never coming back. We’ll never share those jokes again and I’ll never feel his arms around me, making me feel better. All I have to hold is a small wooden heart with some of his ashes inside, it’s hardly the same is it?

If you’d have asked me last September how I thought I would feel a year on I wouldn’t have been able to answer, but I’m pretty sure I thought I would have felt better than this. Perhaps once school starts and we’re back in a routine things will ease a little, and I can find more distractions to keep my mind busy.

I’ve started running again, albeit slowly as again I don’t have much free time, and I’m going to post about how that’s going in the next week or so. I’ve also got the MAD Blog Awards to look forward to, my friend’s wedding, a party and a day in London where I’ll be speaking at Her Event at the Olympia. More about that soon too!

I have a massive distraction in the fact that I have my whole new house to sort out and decorate; I’m still surrounded by boxes and my bedroom is driving me mad, I desperately need a trip to Ikea to solve my wardrobe crisis. And I’m still trying to work out the perfect shade of grey for my lounge wall.

I know it’s early days and things go up and down, but these past few weeks seem to have hit me hard and I need to try not to let it get on top of me. I’m sure next time I write about my life things will be slightly rosier, if not I’ll have to keep reading back to remind me that I have actually moved on and things are getting better.

Sorry if you’ve read this and think it’s just a massive moan – it probably is – but I always try to be honest in my posts as that’s how it’s always been. Thanks for listening to me 🙂

X Julia

Kids at Hesketh

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15 Comments

  • Reply
    Dr Mummykins
    September 4, 2016 at 4:19 pm

    Never apologise for feeling down or having a moan! Better out than in imo. I love your honesty and find I can relate to it every time. Good luck with the return to school! X x

  • Reply
    Seaside Sparkles
    September 4, 2016 at 6:38 pm

    Your posts always show such strength and resilience, you are one inspiring woman. We don’t think you moan you’re just putting into words some really tough emotions, you are so brave to share this and we love you for it. Sending you a virtual hug and good luck this week with school, did you get your preferred school?

  • Reply
    Beth @ Twinderelmo
    September 4, 2016 at 7:44 pm

    Posts like this make you REAL. Life isn’t always sugar and rainbows and blogging should reflect that. Much love xxx
    Beth @ Twinderelmo recently posted…Time Out – The Ordinary MomentsMy Profile

  • Reply
    Karen
    September 4, 2016 at 7:44 pm

    Never apologise for getting these things off your chest: you will start to feel better when the school term starts and life finds a new routine I’m sure. The house stuff can wait! I can’t wait to see you at the Mads and I totally want to hear about the Her event!

  • Reply
    Suz
    September 4, 2016 at 8:18 pm

    It is not a moan at all. We didn’t sign up for lone parenting and it is very different to partners working away or divorced. Grief takes so much energy on top of even sole custody parenting. I am exhausted and emotional this evening. I need space and time to process yet again. Seven weeks with just 2 mornings of child free time has done for me. School going back is also yet another unfair thing that they should be here to see. This is the fifth school return he has missed and it is still unfair. Rant over – off to finish my late date with straightening irons and iron on name labels xxx
    Suz recently posted…Downhill from Refugio Rocco to Lago FríasMy Profile

  • Reply
    Chloe: Picture Taker Memory Maker
    September 4, 2016 at 8:23 pm

    I’ve only recently discovered your blog so I don’t really know your story yet (will be making time to read back through all of your previous posts very soon). Just wanted to leave a comment – and virtual hug – to add to the support that you already seem to have here. So much emphasis is put on being kind to others these days – remember to be kind to yourself too. Sending love and strength to get you through the tougher days and hoping that you begin to feel a little better soon x

  • Reply
    Notmyyearoff
    September 4, 2016 at 8:23 pm

    I think you’re completely normal Julia and I think you are an amazing mum and person. Kids are flippin hard on even just normal days. Throw in a house move, house renovation, change of job location and grief and I think I’d just want to hide in my bed. Keep going lovely lady. I’m not sure what the answer is but maybe it’s just to keep swimming. For now. Sending hugs xx
    Notmyyearoff recently posted…The beauty of Stirling CastleMy Profile

  • Reply
    Hannah Budding Smiles
    September 4, 2016 at 9:15 pm

    I know we don’t know one another, but I do follow your blog and IG so I have followed your journey for a while. You’re not moaning, you’re allowing yourself to feel what you need to feel and that’s fine. Nobody should have to lose their husband, not so young and with small children, it’s just not fair. I stayed with my 93 year old Nan the other week and we we’re talking about my Grandad who passed away 25 years ago. She still misses him every single day because he was – is – the love of her life. I can’t speak from experience but I don’t think that grief follows any rules and if you glean comfort from writing then you should keep doing it. I hope you make your new house a home and that you find a nice routine with school starting again xx

  • Reply
    Sarah Christie
    September 4, 2016 at 11:14 pm

    Ah Julia I am so sorry you are feeling so rubbish, you have every right too. What I can tell you is I too am longing for normality and the weeks ahead so its not just you and probably a combination of things so dont be tough on yourself. Looking forward to a girls get together in a couple of weeks x
    Sarah Christie recently posted…Downtown Dubai At DuskMy Profile

  • Reply
    Colette
    September 4, 2016 at 11:16 pm

    Not moany, just honest. Life isn’t a constant up. Even when things are getting better they’ll still be rubbish at times. I can’t begin to imagine how you must be feeling or how you keep putting one foot in front of the other each day but just keep going. Don’t beat yourself up for being sad or missing him. Just keep going xxx
    Colette recently posted…#SevenWeeksofSummer Round UpMy Profile

  • Reply
    Hayley @hayleyfromhome
    September 5, 2016 at 4:10 pm

    Not a moan at all Julia, totally honest and I’m sure so many other women in your position can relate. I know it isn’t totally the same but when my Grandad died suddenly I remember my Nana finding it just as hard the second year as the first, harder maybe as you are pushing yourself through the first trying to keep going and it’s hard to keep that going. Just let yourself feel it, nothing wrong with the way you’re feeling and completely understandable. I don’t know how you’ve done all you have and you still have that gorgeous smile on you face….it’s still one day at a time and I’m sure you’ll get a bit of a breather when the kids are back xxx
    Hayley @hayleyfromhome recently posted…My Summer Reading UpdateMy Profile

  • Reply
    mummyofboygirltwins
    September 5, 2016 at 10:26 pm

    This post is not moaning at all and I am presume that you might feel like this on/off for many years ahead. Grief is tiring. I think you’re doing an amazing job and I commend you. Don’t beat yourself up at all though..and look at what you HAVE achieved! Moving house is very stressful and you’ll feel settled again soon I am sure. BIG hugs and see you soon xx
    mummyofboygirltwins recently posted…Homemade pizza, togetherMy Profile

  • Reply
    Lins @ Boo & Maddie
    September 5, 2016 at 10:35 pm

    I often think about you, and remember when I came across your Instagram first and read with tears in my eyes about what you were going through. Grief takes many different forms and is by its nature unpredictable. Spending 6 years as a Samaritan taught me this and hearing so many stories from people of loss, courage, emotion that at times I felt my heart would break even thought it wasn’t happening to me. You’re never moaning but sharing in a way which gives you strength and helps you get by on those days when most likely even that will seem like a struggle. Courage, mon brave – you’re not alone Xx
    Lins @ Boo & Maddie recently posted…Monday Catch Up #63My Profile

  • Reply
    Claire - Life, Love and Dirty Dishes
    September 7, 2016 at 12:30 pm

    You are not moaning. You are being honest. I’ve had a really bad day today with the kids, and I don’t have the awful grief to deal with that you do. Feeling alone is horrible. I wish I had words of wisdom. I guess it’s all about time. Also if it makes you feel any better, it took me 15 sample pots of grey paint to find the perfect grey for our bedroom! :/
    Claire – Life, Love and Dirty Dishes recently posted…Rookie Mistakes – The Accidental ChildminderMy Profile

  • Reply
    Tracey Williams
    September 8, 2016 at 9:02 pm

    Julia you are such an inspiration to be able to write down your feelings with such honesty. I think this time of year is a funny one. Add everything in that you have been going through, and it is no wonder you are feeling a little low. A house move is such a big deal, and I admire your braveness in tackling it, resulting in you being closer to your parents. Sending your lots of virtual hugs lovely xx
    Tracey Williams recently posted…Goodbye Summer HolidaysMy Profile

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