Reconnecting 

I’m starting to get used to this routine, our weekends at home as a family, trying to spend as much time together as we possibly can while simultaneously trying to stay sane.

As my husband is at the hospice most of the week, it is so special when he comes back home and we try to make it as lovely as it can be, trying to balance the pressures of entertaining our two lively kids while having not very much energy ourselves.

Rog seemed better this weekend, less tired and for the first time in so long was able to get up with us in the morning, joining us for breakfast and even making me a cup of tea! It doesn’t sound like much but believe me, it takes all his strength to get there and to see him pushing himself to do that is so touching.

Cancer is such a cruel disease and to watch someone I love so much struggle is just devastating. There are good days and bad days, and on the good days I can sometimes convince myself we’re on an upwards path, things are getting better and I’ll get my husband back. For those few moments I can kid myself things are going to be ok, but it’s not long before I see him wince in pain or catch sight of his skeletal arms, and remember where this will all eventually lead.

I wrote last week about enjoying the ordinary things in life though and that is still what I’m trying to focus on. Family life doesn’t always run smoothly though and for all those happy, smiley, contented moments we have to take our fair share of the tricky times too.

Even under normal circumstances it can be tricky to find that balance between unwinding ourselves and letting the kids cut loose a bit too. We all want to spend the most amount of time together as possible and it feels even more important knowing that time we have is limited. But where Roger and I are so tired, the kids come to the end of their weeks full of energy and they need to let off some steam at home.

Our son, a strong-willed six-year-old, has always needed lots of attention and at the moment we just don’t always have that to give. Thank goodness for my parents and friends taking him out in short bursts at the weekends and giving us a bit of calm in the house that we crave.

Our daughter, on the other hand, was born into this kind of fragmented family life and is happy to potter around entertaining herself. I wonder how our situation will affect them, but these worries are so great I’m trying to keep them at bay while I deal with what’s going on right now. I have had some hard conversations with Sam and I know he is aware to some extent what’s going on, but like me I think he finds it hard to comprehend.

He asked his dad about why he’s at the hospice for the first time at the weekend, wondering why he couldn’t just come home. Lying in bed next to Rog, he said: “But if the doctors can’t make you better why can’t you just stay at home?” before burying his head under the covers.

Something we wish we could all do sometimes to make this illness go away.

x Julia

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